My final term of University was pretty wild. Well I say the final term, it was in actual fact the last month that I was there. I had so much fun. Untold amounts of fun. I met some fantastic people. I cut loose. I needed that. After 5 months of struggle, and pain, and sweat, and tears, I just thought "fuck it, do something to make you happy Chelsea." So I did.
I have had my eyes opened to so many wonderful ideas and theories. I stayed up all night talking about philosophy, and the Universe, and life. I was intoxicated in so many ways. Substances, enthusiasm and lust were my fuel. I was living a cliché and I loved it. I felt like I was living a creative person's wet dream; so many stories to tell and characters to paint. In truth, looking at it now from a distance, with truly sober eyes, it was toxic for me.
I love the people. I love the stories. I love the memories. I would never thrive in that environment. My academic drive is my overall wave to ride. I want to do well. I need to do well. (My failure complex is one for another day). That environment was no good for me to able to achieve my goals. I am not in any way saying that the friends I made during this time are not going to achieve anything academically, some of them are the most intelligent and eloquent people I know, but it's not for me.
The lust was a huge part of the issue for me as well. Lust. I can acknowledge that for what it was now. I laugh at myself to think I could have seen anything else in it than that. It would never work. We aren't compatible. I know I have made a fantastic friend, in it for the long haul perhaps, but that's as far as it would go. (I hope if you read this, you know I am not being cruel in how bluntly I am speaking but, if anyone preaches about being happy with yourself, and your situation, and not settling for shit, it's you).
I am nearly 22 years old. I have never had a relationship that has lasted a year. I am broken, insecure, and often feel very alone. I will not settle though. I will not throw myself into environments that I will not thrive in for the fear of losing friendships, or respect, or whatever it was I was apparently clinging on so desperately to. I am not saying I will step away from these people, or that lifestyle, completely because I won't. I wouldn't want to. I just feel like I've finally peeled the sweaty, grimey film that were covering my eyes away and I can see me again. Fuck knows how long that film was there. I know it was there long before the time I am mostly referring to, I just think it clogged up somewhat more then.
I want a relationship. I want steady and secure. I want someone to not care that I am broken. I want someone who isn't going to waltz in and try and fix me. I have friends who will love me no matter what. I have people who will hate me no matter what. That's life.
Hello Chelsea. It's nice to see you again. At last.
